In an effort to expand my writing platform, on Mondays I'll be posting a news commentary!! Enjoy!
A California woman was recently presented with several charges, including aggravated mayhem. This charge came about because the woman, to be blunt, chopped off her husband’s wing-wang and threw it down the garbage disposal. As I imagine that scene playing out (not the chop and grind part, the after part), I do believe that “aggravated mayhem” does indeed fit the bill.
I imagine that the aggravated mayhem came not from her husband (who, at that point in time, was probably not capable of producing any kind of action, mayhem or otherwise) but instead came from the officers who responded to the call and walked onto the scene. I picture lots of crossed legs and high-pitched voices as they doubled over out of sympathy.
Out of curiosity and possibly in order to inflict empathy pain, I asked The Dad if he felt like mayhem would ensue should I dismember his member in such a way. He jumped up from his recliner, tripping over the side table in his effort to apparently hide behind the couch and his voice raised about three octaves as he said, “What did I do?” Wow. Just talking about it incites aggravated mayhem!
Not to make light of the aforementioned crime (that’s legal speak for the wing-wang whacking) and without knowing the exact legal definition of the charge, I’m really afraid that The Daughters might be guilty of it as well. There was that one time that we ran into Daughter 1’s first grade teacher at Hellmart and she had some unmentionable items in her cart that Daughter 1 found fascinating. As she read the names of the items (shouldn’t have been such a good teacher, huh?) aggravated mayhem ensued as the teacher quickly grabbed and tossed said items into the dollar bin and made her hasty exit. It was mayhem and the teacher certainly appeared to be aggravated
There was also the time when Daughter 2 announced at a public pool that she had just gone “number 2”. Apparently, this kind of announcement causes aggravated mayhem as well. Mayhem from the pool goers who scramble to get themselves and their loved ones out of the tainted waters and aggravation from the lifeguards who have to clean up said mess. But, Daughter 2 was only 2 years old, in a swim diaper and got her numbers mixed up. She had only gone number 1. This, then, caused aggravated relief accompanied by utter embarrassment, which to my knowledge, is not a legal charge.
I have no idea what led this woman to channel her inner-Lorena Bobbett. And I have no idea what her husband did to incite such meat-market type behavior from his wife. I do, however, appreciate knowing that aggravated mayhem is indeed a real charge and that law enforcement agencies and district attorneys are not afraid to use it. If nothing else, it keeps me on my toes and helps me plan my family’s activities around that which will keep us mayhem free. Not sure those activities actually exist with The Daughters, though!
Originally for publication week of July 25.
