As I returned from my weekly trip to Hellmart, Daughter 1 met me at the door - not to help me carry in the sacks or to tell me that she missed me, but to ask me where her shoes were.
"Did you take them off in the van?" I asked, my hands heavy with groceries and Daughter 1 blocking the door to the air-conditioned kitchen where I could drop said heavy groceries.
"Ooooohhhhh. Right," she said and brushed past me toward the van. Before I could even get the feeling back in my hands, Daughter 1 was racing right back into the house, squealing with more delight than I'd heard from her since school was out.
"ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou, Momma!" she screamed. "You are the best and I love you and ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
As usual, I was completely confused. It's pretty much my natural state anymore. "You're welcome?" I questioned.
"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!" she continued to gush, "I just cannot believe it! I didn't know you were so cool."
"Believe it, baby," I mumbled as I noticed she was still shoeless. I also noticed that she didn't have any groceries with her, so she couldn't have found the one-pound bag of M & M's I planned to hide and have for my very own.
But, she did have something in her hand... Something pink and wrapped in plastic. Mentally, I retraced my steps through Hellmart just to make sure I hadn't picked up anything from the intimate section for my top drawer. (I hadn't.) So, my eyes focused in on what Daughter 1 was holding in her hand.
"What do you have?" I asked her.
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| Probably wasn't the best time to point out that she needed to READ the packaging... |
"Wait," I said calmly, hoping my tone would bring Daughter 1's enthusiasm down a notch or two before I crushed it under the boot of unfairness that all mommas stomp freely. "Just wait."
Breathlessly, Daughter 1's beautiful eyes widened. "Wait what, Momma?" she asked with caution oozing from her voice.
"That's NOT an iPhone, baby," I said as sweetly as I could, "That's my iPhone holder for when I exercise."
The silence was suffocating. Or maybe it was Daughter 1's glare. Or maybe her hands around my throat.
"That. Is. Not. Fair." Daughter 1 whined, "I thought this was the iPhone I have begged and begged for. Did you get me anything?"
"Well, not counting the groceries for you to eat, and the soap for your dirty clothes, I did bring your shoes back." Just to be a little silly I added, "Yea, you!"
She wasn't buying it.
"AAAaaaannnnnddddd," I added with the enthusiasm of a momma who did own an iPhone, "I'm gonna give you a the cardboard iPhone image from this package and you can pretend you have an iPhone."
She did not think her momma was funny. And she didn't help me carry in the rest of the groceries.
