Because I want to save money and sanity, I normally make The Dad keep The Daughters home with him while I go grocery shopping at The Walmarts. Then to reward him for letting me have an hour or so of as much of a break as a supercenter can afford me, I do my Carmen Electra routine that night after we go to bed! (What?! It's exercise!)
This past weekend, however, I somehow managed to leave the house with Daughter 2 in tow. If I have to take a Daughter to The Walmarts with me, this is the Daughter to take. She's still agile enough to fit in the cart. So, I just have to endure the whining of "I wanna..." instead of the actual physical fight of getting the Scooby Doo yogurt out of the cart once I discover that Daughter 1 has snuck it in there... along with about $300 worth of other stuff!
This particular day, Daughter 2 was especially good. (Now that I think about it, I'm wondering if The Dad hadn't bribed her so that he didn't lose his chance at Carmen...) She was so good, in fact that I sorta, completely spaced out and forgot I had her with me! No, no, no... I didn't leave her there -- besides, if I leave her there one more time, the store manager said we have to tether ourselves to each other in order to shop there any more, so I take extra care to not do that again!
What happened was this: I was looking at the Halloween stuff (which was 75% off!) and found a lightning bolt sticker/tattoo. This was normally $1 - which means I could get it for 25 cents. At this point, I wasn't sure what I could use this sticker for, but it was 75% off and honestly, I couldn't just pass this little bargain by, right? So, I set the sticker on top of the eggs in the seat area of my cart.
Daughter 2, in the mean time, the agile little athlete that she is, scoots herself out of the cart and begins browsing through the bins herself. I, the borderline-Alzheimer's-ish momma that I am, completely zoned out that I had a kid with me and continued looking through the Halloween stuff and found a black garter. It was normally $3 - which means that at 75% off, I would only pay about 75 cents for this little find... and my mind began to form a plan!
Quickly, I dug through the costumes and found a fairy costume in black satin-like (surely flammable, right?) material. It was normally $15 - which means that at 75% off, this little jewel will only cost me $3.25!! What bargains!! Then, I grabbed some fake nails ($2 regular price means 50 cents to me!) and some long fake eyelashes (only $1 after my 75% off!).
All for about $7, I could totally give my Carmen a totally new look!! I wheeled my cart into the shortest line I could find (about 16 people were ahead of me), grinning the whole time. The Dad would be so thrilled with my new look! I grinned to myself at my good fortune! Not only was this new look cheap (in all possible ways) - it was easy to boot!
Apparently, as I'm still lost in my thoughts of my new, cheap look, Daughter 2 rejoins me in line. I finally get to start unloading my cart onto the belt. The shopper in front of me realized that she knew the shopper behind me and they began conversing about the weekend football game and whose husband was more upset. They continue talking over and around me, I continue unloading my cart then my thoughts are interrupted by Daughter 2 proclaiming - in her best future-cheerleader voice, "Uhhhhhhh!!! This isn't fair! I wanna headband, Momma!"
I glance at Daughter 2 and see my 75 cent garter on her head. I'll tell you what: This sight alone will apparently halt all conversations and actions and momma's hearts. The shopper in front of me and behind me both stopped talking. The cashier even stopped beeping.
Now it was Daughter 2's turn to become oblivious to people around her as she grabbed the fake eyelashes and held them up to her eyes. "Momma??!! Why can't I get some??"
Then she grabbed the nails, "Momma? Will you share these with me?"
Then she sees the costume. Oh. No. This can't be good. The chatty shoppers? They are still silent -- with the exception of an escaped giggled behind me. The cashier? She's holding a box of tampons mid-scan watching Daughter 2 unearth my goodies.
"TOTALLY NOT FAIR, MOMMA!" Daughter 2 proclaims as she holds up the costume. "When will you wear this? It's too cold for Trick-or-Treating! Why do you get this?"
What to do? WHAT TO DO? Clearly, the three women who have focused all of their attention on Daughter 2 - still wearing the garter around her head - were all mommas as they all had very knowing grins on their faces -- and the shopper behind me was going to choke on her own giggles if she didn't get a release and quick.
So, my friends, I did what any red-blooded and caught momma would do: I lied. "Ummm - those aren't mine!" Now, I do not like to lie. The reason I do not like to lie is not that I'm morally opposed to it (although, I do see that point); it's more that I'm not a good liar. And when I'm put on the spot -- like the spot in line 18 at The Walmarts -- I'm a really horrible liar.
Daughter 2 would not be easily appeased. "Not yours? You're buying them. Are they for me?"
The giggles behind me turn into full blown, doubled-over laughter.
"Good gravy, Daughter 2! No!" I practically scream at her.
Again, she's merciless: "Then who are they for?"
And without a second thought to what was coming out of my mouth, and knowing full well that I am not a good liar, I said, "Daddy."
Daddy? That's what I came up with? DADDY?
Daughter 2 echoed what was screaming in my head, "DID YOU JUST SAY DADDY??"
At this point, I'm pretty sure the lady behind me peed her pants from laughter. The cashier turned away to hide her laughter and scanned the tampons about three times from shaking with her giggles! The lady in front of me never turned around again, but I'm assuming from the violent-like shrugging of her shoulders, she couldn't contain herself either.
After all that, I couldn't bring myself to put on one of my cheap finds... not one ... why not? Because I couldn't look at those items without picturing a horribly cross-dressed Dad.
Sorry, Honey, but it's not easy to pull off cheap!
