So, you wanna be an American bride?

According to my blog stats, I have an extraordinary number of readers from Ukraine.  I also have a very extraordinary number of visitors coming via a site that is apparently a "buy-a-bride" site, according to my very loose translation of the picture and a quick copy and paste into Babblefish.  Even with the choppy translation, it was clear that this site was for women who wished to be married and living in America.

I'm incredibly honored at the prospect of being one of the first-stops these women make when wanting to know more about being an American wife. I imagine that my picture is hanging in the physical office in a motivational-type poster. I've reached the mountain top, and it looks over the Ukraine.

Since I have such a following, I feel it's only fair that I give them a few pointers that have made me the woman I am today.

1. Cook from a box. If you take longer than 15 minutes to prepare dinner, and if you do more than a few shakes of salt and pepper, you're just setting the bar higher than you can even attempt to whip your weepy meringue. And speaking of pies - they should also come from a box. If you're feeling extra special, you can let that box come from a real-live bakery instead of your freezer section.

2.  Toss the razor. As soon as the temperatures drop into the mid to low 80s, stop shaving your legs. If you shave your legs year round, your man won't learn to appreciate your smooth and silky legs between the months of April and September.  It is all about him.

3. Only vacuum if you spill something. If you start regularly vacuuming, then your husband will expect you to regularly start dusting and regularly start mopping and regularly start washing windows. It's a never-ending cycle that can suck all your time.  And you'll need all that time to watch the Dr. Oz show. It's great dinner conversation.

4.  Speaking of conversation: Talk sports with him. In fact, our American men like to watch a lot of sports. You can make this couple time. Sit down on Saturday afternoons with your man and watch his favorite college football teams. Be sure to ask a lot of questions, so he'll get a chance to show you how smart he is when it comes to sports. And serve him healthy snacks like fruit smoothies and roasted soy beans.

And finally, 5. Make yourself comfortable. Wear yoga pants and sweatshirts. Only put on make up when you have something special going on like a funeral or a sale at the mall. Pull your hair back into a pony tail as often as possible. This will save you time in the mornings doing your hair. And that's more time for you to decide which box of Hamburger Helper you'll cook for your husband when he returns home after a long day.

Welcome to America, my new friends!