B I N G O!

Last night, we had tickets to a local benefit Bingo game for the high school soccer team.  Daughter 1 had a sleepover, so The Dad & I took Daughter 2 and our two tickets to the American Legion for a fun night filled with smoke and losing.  Wait.  That's not what I meant to say... or maybe it is.


Funny thing is this:  We are not Bingo people, but because our former school had an annual Bingo fundraiser at the American Legion and, for two of the four years I taught there, I was in charge of said Bingo Night, we know Bingo.  As in we know where the little old Bingo trolls ladies like to sit.  We know at what point we (as in every single person in the American Legion) have to be silent (not just quiet) or we will be yelled at.  We also know what they mean when they say hard-way postage stamp - by the way, it's not the kind you lick.

And honestly, while we don't play Bingo on a regular basis - or even on a semi-regular basis - we do enjoy it when we go.  We really enjoy it when, on the odd occasion, we actually win!!  Winning, however, is an odd occasion ... and it's never anything great.  Well, it's about as great as a basket full of cat toys can be great.  Those who know me well know we don't have cats; instead we run an illegal and unwanted, not-for-profit-or-entertainment mouse-breeding brothel.  I digress...

Last night, Daughter 2, The Dad and I got to Bingo early so we could secure a spot in the non-smoking room and away from the die-hards (who literally have a different color of doober-dobber for each game).  *Doober-dobber is the official term for the ink blotting bottle with which you mark your official bingo card.  You're welcome.

Ironically - or perhaps karmically - we didn't win!

We got there just as the early bird games started.  Since they cost extra and I'm in the running for the cheapest momma in America, we did not play these games.  We sat down next to a sweet momma and her high school daughter.

Instantly we could tell:  They were Bingo Virgins.  There were several tell-tale signs - their doober-dobbers still had the wrapping on and they hadn't written, "HANDS OFF" on the sides.  They had their drinks sitting way too close to their Bingo cards.  AND, they were frantically searching for the numbers on their regular play cards (all 36 of them!) when it was clearly the early bird games.

The Dad, who is SO MUCH more social than I am, moved his hand to one of their cards before the daughter could doober-dabber I-17 and whispered, "This is not the right card."

The Daughter shrieked out, "What do you mean it's not the right card?"  (This is a rooky mistake - the shrieking.  You NEVER shriek during a Bingo game unless you are looking to by lynched by the troll-like lady and her cronies!)

"Shhhhhhh...." The Dad quickly interjected while ducking behind the offending girl in case the Legioneers came looking to see who dared disturb the silence and sanity of the Bingo Hall during a game.  "I can teach you...," The Dad offered in a tone that indicated that he held the keys to the Bingo kingdom.

He then spent the next 15 minutes - no I am NOT kidding! - explaining to this mother and daughter the finer points of American Legion Bingo, such as a "kite" bingo and speed ball and the best time to go refill your nacho bowl so as to not miss any important games and avoid the break crowd.

The duo were enthralled and overwhelmed at the same time as The Dad gave them the tricks of watching the monitor but tuning out the caller until you had a bingo.  "Because a bingo called before the winning number is announced is not a good bingo."  I swear to you that's a direct quote.

After his intense Bingo instruction, he ended by citing statistics (I'll say that again), he ended by citing statistics on which games were the easiest to win and which were the hardest and which were the the ones most people sat out and which were the ones most people played.  He even quoted something or another from the "Legislative Congressional Study on Peri Mutuel Betting and Small-Town Bingo Fund-Raiser Nights."  Oh yes, he did.

The mother and daughter looked sufficiently overwhelmed when The Dad asked, "Do you have any questions?" indicating that his oral dissertation on Legion Bingo Fundraisers had come to an end.

The younger of the two looked at him and I could see it in her eyes:  We had just become Bingo Trolls as far as she was concerned.  My eyes widened and my mouth dropped because of all the things I would want people to think of me, Bingo Troll is certainly NOT one of them!  As I stared, horrified at the prospect, I only hoped that The Dad could read my mind.

"You must come here a lot," the mother said.  The Dad glanced at me and I knew he read my mind and felt my pain.  I was also pretty certain he felt my toe sharply and quickly hit his shin.

"No," The Dad said with a sly grin on his face, "But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

 Gawd! I love that man - My hero!