Where a Parent Loses Her Brain

Recently, on two different occasions, two different children belonging to two different families in two different cities were left behind at two different Chuck E. Cheese pizza parlors.  Having recently been to a massive play-and-eat establishment, I can say – without hesitation – that I understand just how those mommas and daddies were eager to get the heck outta dodge.

These sorts of places are a kid's dream!  They eat pizza!  They play skeeball and pin ball and dancing games!  They run inside!  They talk to strangers!  They write on walls.   They can scream inside!  Throw a creepy guy in the corner handing out candy, and it’s everything a kid’s not supposed to do thrown under one roof.  All that’s really missing is big plate glass window for them to chunk baseballs through!  I say that's all that is missing because I actually did see creepy guys standing in the corners.

For me, however, it’s a parental nightmare.  I can’t run and keep up with them – I’m not in that kind of shape!  When I shush them, they can’t hear me because it’s too stinkin’ loud!  The last time we were there, I looked down after paying two dollars to try and fit a 3-inch key into a 2-inch key hole and saw my younger daughter with a mouth full of candy that she “found”.   I get the crazy feeling that Chuck E. Cheese and other such places are fashioned after Pleasure Island in Pinocchio.  I always look for the donkey ears after about an hour of play.   I’m not a drinking woman (Shut it.  I’m not), but on the way out, I chugged a half a pitcher of beer off of an abandoned table. 

I am not, in any way, shape or form, condoning leaving your kid behind as if the rapture happened and God didn’t call up those who repeatedly throw money away in “The Claw” machine trying to snag the elusive Care Bear knock-off.   Only those who actually have kids would even want to go to Chuck E. Cheese.   It’s true!  I once asked my mom if she wanted to go with us and she, very pointedly said, “No way.”  Then she laughed hysterically and made reservations at the pub downtown.  It only makes sense that when adults walk out without a snot-nose, whiny kid or kids being dragged behind them, they should be asked to check for their off-spring.  Parents should have to pack their most recent Christmas card as proof of how many kids they should be taking with them.

Amazingly, one family left their child at Chuck E Cheese overnight!  If we happened to have done that with our daughters, the first thing they would have done was dropped to their knees and given thanks that their prayers had been answered, but within a half hour, they’d have come looking for us begging for more money.    I’m almost certain that my husband and I would have eventually noticed the non-existent chattering, whining or plotting that happens when The Daughters are in the same three-county vicinity as each other.   Almost.

If you’re going to leave a kid, I guess Chuck E Cheese is as good of a place as any.  At least they’ll be entertained for a little bit.  The problem, however, is this:  In order to retrieve your little orphan, you’ll have to return to Chuck E Cheese and you know the minute you walk in, that kid is going to hit you up for more money and just one more balloon and one last toss of the skeeball…