Creating A Monster

My own momma needed a new phone. Her phone was a little over two years old and was a flip phone. A flip phone, y'all. She could call on it only--can you imagine? A phone that you could only use to place a call? She could have texted, but having to hit the 3-button twice to get an E was a little more technologically advanced than my own momma could handle. That and she used to sign up to get her horoscope online and that would charge her phone a gazillion dollars a month, so my sister and I had the texting package turned completely off. My own momma thought that was just one step away from the old folks' home ... but it was for her own good. Don't call human services. Yet.

 My Own Momma's toilet water? Not so recycled...
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Well, Friday night, my own momma dropped her circa 2002 flip phone down the commode. Down the crapper. She was literally up ... or down ... sh!t creek. She knew what to do because she reads Facebook religiously, and she fished that phone out and stuck it in her rice container. (Note: Do not eat the rice at my own momma's house.) The rice didn't work. So, she came to us.

She knew better than to go to my sister with this problem. My sister would have put her in the home or would have gotten her a firefly phone with dialing out privileges to only a very few people--my sister not included. So, she came to us.

Brian is very skilled in dealing with a certain phone company whose initials are AT&T; I know what my own momma would and wouldn't like in a phone (basically, she wanted to text, to call, to check the weather and listen to any police scanner in the world); My Own Momma just wanted a phone that hadn't been in the toilet. So, we set out to our local store.

Long story short--too late, I know--and three phone stores later, my own momma had a new phone, a texting plan and a data plan, all for just a few dollars more than she was paying for her one-trick pony, um, phone. She also had a pretty purple cover, a screen guard, an extra memory card, and a stylus. What more could an almost-75-year-old woman want in a phone?

The first order of business was to text my sister and let her know that she was moving up in the world. After about seven minutes, give or take a half hour, we figured out how to text, and we discovered that it had a talk-to-text option. That, my friends, is that route that led to my own momma's very first text to my sister:

My own momma: So, just press this microphone button?

Me: Yes.

My own momma: And it will go straight to your sister and no one else?

Me: After we press the send button, yes.

My own momma: Okay. Here we go [presses microphone button]

And this, my friends, is the complete text of my own momma's very first text message:

Guess what I'm doing. Guess what I've got. Oh wow! It's typing as I'm speaking. Why did it say as I'm  spackling? Heather. It's not saying what I am saying. Oh wait. Now it is. Did I send it? It says Guess what I'm doing. Guess what I've got. Oh wow! It's typing as I'm spackling. It says guess what I'm doing. Guess what I've got. Now it's just going crazy. Why did it say I'm spackling. It's still wrong. Wait. Now it's just on an endless loop typing the same thing over and over. Oh wait. Now it typed what I said. Oh my goodness. Did I send it yet? It typed did I send it yet. It typed did I send it yet again. I don't think it's working right. No, I don't think it's working right. It's not sending it. Why are you laughing? I can't understand you, Heather. What do I do to send it? Press send? Do I need to press pause? What does pause do? Does it pause my text message? So, just press send. Where's send? But will it send this whole thing? I just want a text that says guess what I got. I got a new phone. Call me. Oh wait. It did type that. It's right there. This phone is a smart phone. How wonderful. Well, tell me where the send button is and then show me how to use the scanner. [presses pause button then send]

My sister's not speaking to me any more.