Funny Not Slutty: Eat This

I would really like to be one of those chicks who gardens all spring and summer long and shares her bounty with neighbors and starving children. But, I’m not. I grow dandelion trees. Trees. And you can’t eat dandelion trees. Or at least I’m not going to eat that. Despite my lack of a green thumb, earth-hugging, farmer’s-market rope sandal lifestyle, I do make a really great salsa.

I get all the freshly-grown stuff I need at Hellmart, which gets it from some third-world farming nation paying the farmers three-cents per case of peppers. That’s savings that’s passed on to me...

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Funny Not Slutty - 80s week!!

I was in, like, total desperate need of a miracle, for sure. I needed my breasts to be bitchin’ and now! Then, heaven sent a miracle to me in the form on John Hughes and his gnarly story of every almost-16 year old in the world. In 16 Candles, Samantha is fraught for her boobal region to expand so she eats carrots in the hopes of her budding bosom developing into big ol’ honkin’ hooters. Well, if Molly Ringwald did it, it must be legit.

I ate carrots like Ms. Pacman ate ghosts. As I’d devour a carrot in the lunchroom, the Preppies would all cheer and congratulate me. “Awesome to the Max!” they’d holler.

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Eat This! Give-me-chocolate-or-give-me-death-brownies

Every month there comes a time when a woman just wants to be comforted and only chocolate will do. I do not care how totally awesome your new boyfriend is; he will not do. I do not care if your husband held your hair back through 56 weeks of morning sickness; he’s not what you will want. LOOK! Unless it’s that time when YOU need your chocolate, you just won’t get it, so go ahead and shut up and read the recipe! File it away until your Aunt Flow starts knocking on your door then make it. You’re welcome. Geez…

Keep reading and get the recipe at Funny Not Slutty!