A Whole Bunch Of Nothing

My diamond on my engagement ring keeps snagging on things, and I'm afraid of losing it. I lost my original diamond when I was five months pregnant with Daughter 1. It killed me because I just knew that people would think I was some knocked-up, unwed teenage mother--never mind that I was thirty-years-old. So, I'm currently wearing my anniversary band, which I love, but it makes me feel like I'm being unfaithful to Brian. Like I'm advertising I'm not married, but I do celebrate anniversaries or something like that. Who knows why my brain operates the way it does.

I know! I know! My brain operates the way it does because I don't get enough sleep. I just don't. For reasons I'd rather not disclose and unfortunately have nothing to do with covert activities or state secrets, I'm waking up every night/morning at three and staying up for about a half hour. Then it takes me another half hour to go back to sleep. Then I wake up two hours later. I wish I could be a glamorous spy like Jammie Lee Curtis in True Lies. I already know how to do a strip tease. C'mon, CIA, gimme a chance!

I had lunch last week with two of my favorite bloggers, Stephanie of Hugs, Kisses and Snot and Sabine of Sabine of Suburbia. If y'all aren't reading them, you should be. They were both in the cast of Listen To Your Mother | Oklahoma City. You'll love their stories--and those stories go live tomorrow on YouTube! I've had a post-lunch, thank you message started to them but every time I get on Facebook to finish it and send it, someone else bongs a message to me and I get distracted. Y'all owe Stephanie and Sabine an apology for my tardiness.

This week, I dropped Daughter 1 off at another Summer STEM Academy. She's already having so much fun. It's just weird leaving your child in a college dorm. Just. Weird. There's no possible way that the baby who crawled out of her baby bed at eleven months is old enough to be left on a college campus. But, that's exactly where she is ... learning about food. Having a great time.  Instagramming pictures of her "second ever dorm room." Whatever, kid. Your room will always be in my house, you got it??!?

And finally, my cousins are coming today! Our moms are sisters. We grew up doing a lot of stuff together--trips to St. Louis, heckling our moms when they had a car wreck, you know stuff like that. I have a big chunk of my book Crazy On Board devoted to our antics. In fact, my own momma is currently reading the book and laughing as we speak. (It makes me feel weird when people read my book while I'm around.) I can only imagine that my mom is reading about the time my cousin Whitney and I busted a mob ring in St. Louis. We went to KFC afterwards. It was a big party. In honor of Courtney and Whitney being here, we're eating fried chicken. You only wish your cousins were as cool as mine are.

I'm hoping they let me dress them alike this week.

My Favorite Things: Sabine Brown

At some point last year, Brian come home and said, "Do you know of a blogger named Sabine of Suburbia?" I hadn't. So, I immediately took to Google and began blog-stalking Sabine Brown. Y'all? She's so funny and honest and refreshing! I immediately subscribed to her blog and then Facebook-stalked her. Eventually I friend requested her and have come to adore her. And her kids. And her humor. I find myself reading her, peeing my pants with laughter and then nodding my head as I take a deep breath saying, "Yes."  Enjoy her, my friends--she's one of My Favorite Things.

Real Deal Parenting Advice

I’m going to share some parenting advice.  Oh I know, you’ve read tons of parenting advice .  Cherish every moment, tell your children you love them everyday, don’t yell, yada yada.  Yeah, we all know that already.  I’m talking about the nuts and bolts of parenting.  The practical aspects.  The things my children would tell you because who better to tell you about parenting than the parented.  (Parented is a noun now, you know.)

So here are just some things my children taught me.

Chickadees are not a suitable substitute for Amy’s Organic Cheddar Bunnies.  “They’re both cheddar crackers.  What’s the difference?” you’re saying to yourself right now.  That’s where you went wrong and that’s why you need me to tell you these things.  They are completely different.  You see, one is a bunny and one is a chick.  One is full of cheesy crunchy goodness and one is a disgusting baby chicken.  Maybe your adult palate can’t detect that, but your kids can.

A single carrot stick can cause imminent death.  It’s true.  I had no idea that this was possible until my son told me.  I had asked him to finish his carrot sticks before he could have a piece of candy.  This resulted in a dramatic drop to the floor and crying. 

“I tried to chew it and I can’t and it keeps getting stuck in my throat and I had to spit it out!” he whined.

“How did you eat your last 2 carrot sticks?”

“Those carrot sticks were smaller!”

“Why can’t you just take smaller bites?”

Blank stare.  “But this carrot stick is too big and it’s choking me!”

See?  If it wasn’t for my son I never would have know how many times I had almost killed him with carrot sticks and that is why I am sharing this information with you.

If you have subscribed to the bath, brush teeth, bedtime story routine before going to bed, you’re doing it wrong.  You can’t just expect for your children to go to sleep.  No, they need a pre-bedtime routine.  This should consist of several trips from their bed to the living room to tell you about…whatever.   Their new fear, something they learned about trains, to muse about how the moon was formed and how far away it is.  The point is they need to do this for at least 2 hours before they can sleep.

These are only a few things I have picked up from the children, but once you start listening to them you realize just how bad your parenting really is.  So go forth and parent correctly.  And for God’s sake do not give them carrot sticks.