Conversation of the Week

Daughter 2 and I sharing a toilet stall:

Conversation of the Week

In the van on the way to the big city for a quick shopping trip:

Conversation of the week

I recently had the opportunity to have my hair and make up done by a show business stylist. She began my flatironing my stray flyaways:

Me: For the longest time, I didn't know how to flatiron my own hair.

 

Stylist: Oh?

 

Me: Yeah, I learned watching Jersey Shore.

 

Stylist: Ok.

 

Me: I didn't realize I could pull the flatiron down my hair.

 

Stylist: It's really not hard.  It's one of the easiest things anyone can do.

 

Me: Well, it's easy for you because you have two hands.

 

Stylist: Don't you have two hands?

 

You know what? I do have two hands.

Conversation of the Week

Scene:  Daughter 2 toots in the middle of the living room

Daughter 2:  Who tooted?

The Dad:  You did.

Daughter 2:  I did?

Me: (laughing) Yes.

Daughter 2:  I hate when I fart and don't get to enjoy it.

Conversation of the Week

Daughter 1:  Ummmm... Is this rope waterproof?

Me:  Waterproof?

Daughter 1:  Yes, my friend and I need the rope in the pool.

Me:  I don't think the rope belongs in the pool, honey.  It's not safe.

Daughter 1:  How else are we going to create a flotilla?

Me:  First show me your wave.

{Daughter 1 rocks a queen-like wave}

Me:  Very well.  Carry on.

Be sure to get registered for The Dad's Birthday Giveaway!

Conversation of the Week

Daughter 2:  Momma, I can't find the bottoms to this bathing suit.

Daughter 1:  Go mismatched.

Daughter 2:  I wasn't asking you.

Me:  Go mismatched.

Daughter 2:  Good idea!

Conversation of the Week

My own momma, my sister and My 2-year-old Niece  were over keeping me company after my life-changing surgery last week.  (What?  It was life-changing!)  My mom and my sister had been asking me if I were OK... apparently so much that My 2-year-old Niece was feeling neglected.

My Niece:  Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana.

My own momma:  What, honey?

My Niece:  I'm fine.

{laughter from all three of the grown ups in the room}

My Niece:  Oh!  I'm a funny girl!

Conversation of the Week

Daughter 2:  Momma!  We saw a pregnant dog at Aunt Lanie's house!

Me:  You did?

Daughter 1:  Yeah.  I'm pretty sure she'll have her puppies really soon.

Daughter 2:  She's having eight puppies.

Me:  Eight?  How do you know that?

Daughter 2:  I counted eight sticky-outie-thingies on her belly.

Daughter 1:  They're called "nipples", dummy.

Daughter 2:  Oh. My. GOSH!  Momma!  Did you hear what she said?

Me:  Don't call your sister names, please.

Daughter 2:  No.  She said NIPPLES!



Conversation of the week

Me:  What's the difference between lemonade and sour mix?

Bartender:  They're not the same.

Now I know...

Conversation of the week

At the pizza place on buffet night.  Daughter 2 comes from the bathroom sobbing.

Me:  Hey!  What's wrong, baby girl?

Daughter 2:  I hit my nose.

Me:  How in the world did that happen?

Daughter 2:  I forgot the door was closed, and I ran into it.

Me:  You forgot?

Daughter 2:  Momma!  I've been traumatized!  Now's not the time for questions!

Conversation of the Week

Driving home from the ball fields:

Daughter 2:  And then I told K that I just wanted to sit and talk to Bobby because I have known Bobby since we were born since Bobby was born just a month before me and we have gone to church together ever since we were not born and K just got upset because he wanted to play and we were just going to talk since it was hot and a rough day and we had been bowling and jumping and playing tug o' war and everything else and K just didn't understand and Bobby didn't help because he just sat there and didn't say one word - not one word to me or one word to K - just sat there being quiet, quiet as a mouse and... Um... Momma?

Me:  What, honey?

Daughter 2:  What was I saying?

Me:  What were you saying?  Is this a pop quiz?

Daughter 2:  No.  I just wasn't paying attention to myself, and I forgot what I was saying.

Conversation of the Week

Daughter 2 with her pen poised over her notebook; she is deep in thought as she's writing a novel:

Daughter 2:  Momma, how do you spell "hedge"?

Me:  Hedge?  Like a bush?

Daughter 2:  No.  Hedge, like a fund.

Conversation of the Week

I sat on the patio as The Daughters ventured into our unheated pool.

Daughter 1:  Come in, Momma!  It's not that cold!

Me:  I'm cold sitting over here out of the water.  I'm not getting IN the water.

Daughter 2:  It's not that bad.

Daughter 1:  Really it's not.  I just move around a lot to keep warm.

Daughter 2:  I just pee to keep warm.

Conversation of the Week

In a restaurant as my 2-years-old neice does this funny trick where she stands on her chair and then wobbles just a little bit so all the adults grab for her while audibly sucking in their breath:

Adults:  -- GASP! --

Daughter 2:  Uh-oh, fruit loops.  No.  Wait.  Uh-oh, pop-tarts.  (tilts her head to the side)  No.  What is it? Uh-oh, oreos.  No.  (scratches her head)  Wait.  Ummm... Uh-oh, ravioli!  No.  Dang it!  Uh-oh... what is it?

My sister:  "Uh-oh, any processed food marketed to kids"!

Daughter 2:  No.  That's not it either.  I think it might be...  What is it??

My sister:  Spaghettio!  Uh-oh SPAGHETTIO!

Daughter 2:  Yeah.  That's it.  You're a smart one, Aunt Lanie!

Conversation of the Week

Me:  Daughter 2, it's time to get up!

Daughter 2:  (bolting straight up in bed) Yea!!  I love Saturdays!

Me:  It's Thursday, honey.

Daughter 2: (laying back down)  Oh, man!  I'm so tired!  I just can't get out of bed, Momma.

Conversation of the Week

Early one morning:

Daughter 1:  Momma, can you help me pick out a shirt?

Me:  Yes.

Daughter 1:  Thanks.

{a few minutes pass}

Daughter 1:  Momma, I thought you were going to help me pick out a shirt!

Me:  I will.

Daughter 1:  When?

Me:  Well, not right this very minute.

Daughter 1:  When?

Me:  Later.

Daughter 1:  But, why not right now?

Me:  Daughter 1, I am in the shower right now!

Conversation of the Week

The Dad (as he pulled out a pink flat iron from a Hellmart sack):  What's this?

Me:  A flat iron to get that silky straight hair.

The Dad:  You already have one.

Me:  It's for Daughter 1.  She's at that age where she's wanting to look cute.

The Dad:  That's a little bit ridiculous.  She's 7 years old.

Me:  No.  No, she's not 7.  She's 10.

Conversation of the Week

Daughter 1:  Momma, are we having company?

Me:  No.

Daughter 1:  Then why are you cleaning the house?

Me:  Because I think it needs to be done at least once every five years.

Daughter 1:  Did you say months or years?

Me:  Years.

Daughter 1:  {chuckles} Good!  Because every five months would be ridiculously too often!

She speaks the truth...

Conversation of the Week

Playing The Game of Life with our neighbor, who is the baby of five children:

Daughter 1:  In real life, I want to have just two kids:  a boy and a girl.

Neighbor 5:  I want to have a girl, a boy, a girl and then a boy.

Daughter 2:  I'm not having in kids in real life!

Neighbor 5:  Why not?

Daughter 2:  'Cause you have to have a shot once you're pregnant and, in real life, you have to PAY money when you have kids!

Conversation of the Week

About 12:45 AM on February 2 in The Daughter's bathroom:

Daughter 1:  {throws up}

Me:  Oh, baby girl!  I'm so sorry you're sick!

Daughter 1:  {heaves} Momma, is it after midnight?

Me:  Yes.

Daughter 1:  {pukes} So, it's February 2 already?

Me:  Ummm... I think so...

Daughter 1:  {barfs} Did the groundhog see his shadow?

Me:  What?

Daughter 1:  {blows chunks} Did he see his shadow?  I don't want it to be spring yet.  {vomits} I want a snow day.